Reflections

I am reading Karen Cheng's Big Three - OH and some feelings stirred in me.

I turned 30 a few months ago. That day itself was not exciting, nor has it been for a long time. I don't quite remember having a great birthday. I did have a few good ones when I was a teenager because my first boyfriend made a big fuss out of it. Ah... good old puppy love. Other than that, I was either alone or got angry because that someone dear was not keen of it. But I do have some really good friends who would always remember the day and send me greetings wherever I am in the world even though I haven't seen them in years.

Seeing of where I am now and looking back of where I was, I am no where near where I want to be. The day I turned 30 I am not proud of myself, I have lots of regrets and frustrations and I owe a lot to a few people. I had stopped in time and didn't move forward for almost 2 years and I am out of contacts with outside world. I went to staples and post office yesterday and didn't know how to make copies and post mails. I was close to tears and I didn't know how to go forward and improve. I am at this very dark place and I am afraid. And I have days when I am at this dark place.

But at 30, I have sincere friends and a supportive husband even though we had ups and really low downs. I am just learning how to not be influence by my mother's approval and lack of it. I had hopes that I will one day score in an interview and get hired, be able to afford mortgage and have babies, and still have time to do craft and read all the books a person should read before I die and to travel the world and not stuck in tourist traps. I also hope that I can repay everyone that has been good to me and take care of my mom and make her proud. This is my bright place to counter the dark. And I try to hold on to it for however long I can till I achieve all I hope.

And I hope I will have another 30 years.